For so long I have been researching who I really am. The constant feeling that I am here for a reason.
To find out, I started peeling myself to give my true consciousness all the space.
First I started to live through my trauma. Looking straight in the eye, no more hiding away. Full transparency to myself. Room for all the emotions that go with it.
Then I examined my thinking. I've caught up with every adopted logic. Nothing seems proven to me. Even though it still feels so good and sounds so logical. No creed has stood still. Not even the deceptions in spirituality that want to tell me how it works.
From moment to moment I catch my brain that even every thought is a distraction from who I really am. Again and again thoughts draw my focus and attention outside of myself. This allows me to conclude from my own strength that I have identified far too much with my thoughts and the emotions that flow from them.
Today, the distractions away from myself are more present. Whether or not a mouth mask, vaccination, catering, police, politics, technology. I notice how I am challenged to swing between yes and no, in all its vehemence. If I don't pay attention, the conflict swallows me up completely.
All distractions at different layers in my consciousness.
I let the distractions be there now and look at them without being distracted by them. I slowly see through the system of distraction and awareness.
I keep discovering layers of deception. It seems like a game played hard to keep me off my consciousness. I manage to keep coming back to myself and to uncover deeper layers of myself and the distractions.
And I bend in the here and now. Present as completely as possible. Everything that comes my way comes into contact with my consciousness. Anywhere that I make a choice in or against or for, does not do justice to my complete being. Everything in which I am not present with my consciousness has room to determine for me.
Absence is an amputation of consciousness that wants to flow, sparkle and love in the here and now connected to everything… even the distractions… positive and negative.